Laura Lippay’s Randomly Weird SEO & Tech Predictions for 2014

  1. Jailbait and Diaper Sex: Microniche dating sites like Farmers Only (indeed, for farmers only), Women Behind Bars (yup), and Daily Diapers (yeah no, for adults) will be bought up by Demand Media and expanded out to include landing pages for tail terms like “How Jailbait Made Me a Better Person”, “Why Diaper Sex Ain’t as Good as It Used to Be” and “howcome when I holler soooouie my old woman don’t come?”  (Sorry to my cohorts at Demand – I love you but – you know. Also, thanks to Portent’s Content Idea Generator for some of those titles. Try it, it’s fun).
  2. Google Finally Does Go Evil: Google’s Webspam team figures out a way to make the innards of any screen smolder and burn any time it displays a bad infographic, unveiling the next update “PyroKitty” to combat infographic link spam. This turns out to be their most effective and destructive algo update in history.
  3. Singularity Unveiled: We will discover that Kurzweil’s Singularity will not come about in 2045 but has actually already quietly happened back in 1971 when the first human/computer cyborg, Elon Musk, was “conceived”. It also turns out that these cyborgs will not, in fact, be more intelligent than humans, just much more strange.
  4. Drone Pranks: Amazon’s delivery drones come out the gate and immediately cause massive air traffic and road traffic jams over the New Jersey air space when NJ Mayor Mark Sokolich  orders 10,000 bouncy exercise balls to drop over Chris Christie’s house in a revengeful prank for his Washington Bridge closure stunt. Because of this, Air Traffic Control bans commercial drones for good, causing Amazon to have fill out the rest of it’s orders with delivery pigeons instead. PETA retorts, delivery pigeons get shut down, and Amazon realizes the whole thing  was a just a weird idea to begin with.
  5. The Ghost of Steve Jobs returns (again): Gianluca’s innocently cute “snap your face” SEO jokes go horribly off the rails when the ghost of Steve Jobs (who of course still trolls the internet from Heaven/Hell), discovers it and thinks it’s funny to pioneer poltergeisting by popping in on his tech giant competitors and invisibly snapping their faces during important meetings and tech talks. Jobs is figured out when a mysterious patent filing is discovered for afterlife face-snapping that gave exclusive rights to a “Mr. NannyNannyPooPooToYouBill Gates”.
  6. The Zombie apocalypse will happen after all, when Google Glass reaches beyond the typical techie glasshole and into mainstream America, causing civilians to adopt robotic, zombie-like actions, losing the ability to do natural every day things like walk without direction or have a conversation with a human. Be prepared.
  7. SEO Jumps Ship: It turns out Rand actually stepped down from CEO of Moz because he and wifey Geraldine have secretly teamed up with Matt Cutts and Danny Sullivan in a covert plan to finally free themselves from the droves of endless, nonsensical SEO trolls and the droney “SEO is dead” talk and jump on the ship to take up a peaceful, quiet residence on Mars. Though, as a last nod to SEO, Rand admits Geraldine’s travel blog will probably get some nice links out of it.
  8. Altruism: Mobs of developers will finally start donating some of their time and efforts to open government efforts to make our cities and communities much easier and more efficient places to live. That’s not funny. It’s just what I hope.

Think I got it right?


PyroKitty image courtesy of deviantArt artist animedugan

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